IN WHICH SHE IS BROKEN: HE SAID.

He told me I was beautiful, that I deserved every beautiful thing life had to offer.

It’s not like I haven’t heard those words before. Its the way he said them to me, his eyes burning deep into mine assuring me he meant every word he said.

He told me to go out with him, that he had to take me some place nice. He said he needed just a moment alone in a beautiful space to soak in my beauty. My heart fluttered and I said yes.

He did take me somewhere nice. There I stood in the most beautiful outdoor restaurant I had ever laid eyes on. He had rented the whole space for him and I. The lights where dimly lit complimenting the beautiful garden of flowers surrounding us. I was in awe.

The night air was a bit chilly so he gave me his jacket before pulling out a sit for me on our exclusive table for two. We stayed there, under the watchful eyes of the crescent moon enjoying each other’s company while we ate food I couldn’t even pronounce. He wouldn’t stop looking at me and I loved the attention. He smiled, I smiled. He touched my face carful and said “I’d never hurt you” I believed it, I believed him.

After dinner he said, “let me take you home to make sure you’re safe”. I simply said “yes” because I wanted to enjoy his company a little longer.

We got to his car and like the gentleman he was he opened the door for me before getting in himself. We stayed there for a moment not moving just staring at each other, then he leaned in closer and kissed me ever so gently. It felt good so I kissed him back. I just wanted to know how he tasted.

He placed a hand on my thigh and I felt a little tingle. Things got heated and before he could raise his hand any further I pulled back breathless and ready to go home. His hands where still on my thigh moving higher. I held it to stop him, he looked at me, smiled and said “don’t be a tease”. I wasn’t trying to tease I just wanted to go home I thought. He pulled my seat back till my back was resting. He said “I want you”.

I said “I am not ready”.

He said “but you were a few seconds ago”.

I said “I just wanted a kiss”.

He said “I want more than a kiss, kisses are for boys and I am a man. I need something stronger”. I said “stop it. You are scaring me”

He said “I know you want this too. stop playin”.

I said “No I don’t want this. This has gone on far enough. Let go of me” he didn’t listen. He got on top of me and kissed my neck. I felt his hands everywhere and it made me sick. I struggled to get away but he was stronger.

“I am done playing these games with you Sarah. I want you and I’m going to have you. So be a good girl and comply”.

I was mortified, this couldn’t be the guy who showed me paradise in one night just a few minutes ago. This was a monster. I refused to comply.

“you can’t take what’s not yours” I said.

“it was mine the moment you agreed to go out with me”. And with that he was inside me, no protection nothing. Just raw, painful disgusting sex.

No that was not sex. That was rape.

I begged him to stop I told him it hurt. He didn’t listen. He just kept going. I begged and I cried, he made me feel sick. I gave up, I got quite, it was no use crying and begging, he wouldn’t stop till he was finished. I closed my eyes to distract myself from the pain and hurt. I hated hearing his satisfied grunts and moans, they made me feel even more sick.

After what felt like forever he shivered and let out a low growl and I knew he was done. He didn’t even have the decency to spill his seed anywhere else. He got up, moved to his seat and with a nasty smile said “don’t act like you didn’t like it”. I couldn’t speak, I felt numb, I felt dirty and cheap. Most of all I felt used.

“Just take me home” I said. “with pleasure” was his response.

But isn’t it ironic though, how in just a few hours one man single handedly showed me the faces of an angel and the devil.

POWER: I am Powerful.

Before writing this, I searched the internet for the definition of “POWER”. Trust me there was a lot of meanings with reoccurring words like capacity, ability, will, zeal, to affect, to influence you name it. But I couldn’t use any of them. Not because they weren’t good enough or accurate, it’s just because they didn’t properly embody the word itself.

POWER

No definition made me believe the force of the word. So I couldn’t use any of them and I couldn’t come up with any good ones myself.

But then it hit, words just aren’t good enough because “POWER” isn’t just a word, it’s a feeling, a living being inside everyone of us. We all have it.

“YOU HAVE IT IN YOU”

And many of us have forgotten that, some have ignored it completely, while others don’t even know they possess it. And that’s very sad.

Only a few people in the world have truly understood what Power is and have accepted it, harnessed it and used it to create change. And guess what “a few” isn’t nearly enough. We need more.

So what you’ve forgotten about, I’m here to remind you of it.

POWER

For some reason, somewhere along the lines of civilisation and development, it was taken away from us to subdue us and keep us in a state of mind where we could be controlled.

We need to take it back!!!

You have to take it back. It belongs to you so you should have it.

you need to understand it, accept it, harness its qualities and then use it. Use it for yourself and then use it to create change.

YOU ARE POWERFUL

Do you know what that means?

It means you can do anything, be anything/anyone, achieve and change so many things wrong with the world today.

You are Power, because you were created by a powerful Being with the purest form Power.

It’s not just about believing In the existence of power…no!! It goes way beyond that. It’s about finding it and using it to do something extraordinary.

So POWER is not just a word

POWER IS YOU

YOU ARE POWERFUL

“I AM POWERFUL”

So say it, scream it if you will and don’t stop reciting it until you have believed it and used it.

Inspired by the song POWERFUL by Jussie Smollette and Alicia Keys

Depression Series Part 1: For In Death

For in death there is peace

In death there is rest unending

In death there is numbness and freedom from emotions

For in death the is calmness and stillness unmoving

In death there is nothingness

In death there is no weakness

For In death there is no regret no guilt nor failure

In death there is no pain no anger

In death there is only silence

For in death there is absolute freedom

In death there is no more you

there is just emptiness

For in death there is just DEATH …..

But before death there is life

Before death there is a choice

Don’t choose death

As sweet as it sounds it’s more bitter

More solemn and irreversible

Choose life

PLEASE always choose life.

Because In life there is Love and love in living.

I remember seeing stars the first time you kissed me.

My heart fluttered like the blossoming of new flowers.

In truth when we first met I never thought we would be more than friends, but the first time you looked at me like really looked at me, I saw in your eyes the love your lips couldn’t express.

How they glowed when you saw me, it was like you had found your muse.

I have always loved your eyes.

The beautiful shade of dark brown reminds me of chocolate chips.

Then I held your hand and they fit so perfectly in mine

When you hugged me I felt comfort, I felt safe. I could stay there for hours unmoving just listening to the slow rhythm of your heart beat luring me to peaceful slumber.

Your smile, oh how contagious that smile was.

Every time you smiled was a blessing.

I had never seen someone genuinely smile at the sight of one person.

It made me feel like I was the center of your world.

Maybe that’s what I was.

Your center.

The core of your very existence. It felt good knowing I had a safe heaven within the chaos in my own universe.

I could always run to you to hide from life’s undertow.

Your words spoke truths and melodies that calmed my raging waters.

You were my calm.

I had never known love like yours before.

It was born out of a bond stronger than friendship, it grew rapidly like wild fire consumed by the passion of our youthful energy.

It was love as true as the lies we tried to hid deep inside chocolate fountains of lustful desires.

It didn’t matter how deeply flawed we both were all that mattered was how perfect we were in each other’s eyes.

It wasn’t your ideal love story.

There was no Prince Charming or damsel in distress there was just you and me.

Both people from deeply disfunctional homes trying to find something functional.

I want to see you smile again that smile.

That made me feel like angels were dancing in my heart.

I want to hear you laugh, the deep baritone that always goes up an octave when the joy overwhelms you.

I could never understand how you looked so beautiful even when the world around us was so ugly.

I guess that was just your charm.

A beautiful man with a beautiful heart.

That’s how I describe you in a sentence.

I could never describe the feeling being with your gave me, because in more ways then one you made me feel alive.

MY BLACKNESS

Black

Is all they see when they look at me

Black

Is how they define my being

Black

Is how they identify me

But that’s okay, because I am black

My skin, my hair, my eyes. I have blackness engraved in the very depths of my being

I am black

But I am more than the colour of my skin

I am human. I feel, I hurt, I bleed, I heal, i cry, I smile exactly as you do

We have alot in common you and I, the only distinction being the colour of our skin

Does my blackness offend you?

Does my blackness repulse you?

Does my blackness make me less of a human than you?

Why do you hate my blackness?

Why do you feel the need to annihilate my entire race?

Why can’t you look past the colour of my skin and see that I am human just like you?

I have spent years trying to look like you. I have bleached my skin, straightened out my nappy curls to match your straight hair, I have neglected parts of culture and accepted yours, I have abandoned my language and picked up yours. I have done all these things for your acceptance yet you still refuse me.

Finally I have made peace with who I am. I let my afro grow out as it should because it is my crown, I abandoned those chemicals that ruin my natural melanin, I found my culture and made it a part of me again. I accepted my blackness still you refuse to accept me.

Here I am, years and years after suffering through slavery and assimilation, yet you still hunt me down and kill me like an animal because of my blackness.

You still treat me less than your pets. Yes I mean the ones you carry around in your purse.

Why must we keep revisiting the same frightening history?

why must you make me relive those awful years were I was in bundage?

why can’t we move on from the past and creat a better future?

A future were the colour of your skin does not define who you are

A future were all races coexist as one big race “the human race”

A future were we can all accept one another for who we are not what we look like

A future were we are all equals

A future were my blackness is not the cause of my unjust and untimely death.

I am black

I am human

I am more than the colour of my skin

But I am proud of my blackness

BLACK LIVES MATTER

Stop rape culture

If rape were a person conversations would look like this…

“Hi I’m rape, and you are?”

I’d say “ehmm..call me Sarah. So rape what do you do for a living”

Then it’ll say “oh nothing special, same old same old you know. Just raping people here and there. The usual”.

Then I’d ask “is that a satisfying profession? I’m just curious to know the appeal of ‘raping people here and there’ as you said”

“Well sweetheart, I can not begin to emphasize the satisfaction and appeal this job provides. All sexually of cause. I mean I love the idea of taking something by force, I enjoy the screams of pain and suffering coming from under me as I forcefully take what’s not mine. I enjoy when they beg me to stop because I know that’s just code for ‘continue please’. I love looking into my victims fear filled and teary eyes as I mercilessly devour them. I especially enjoy the climax, I call it ‘the big finish’ it’s a sick twisted business but it’s my sick twisted business and I wouldn’t change it for the world”.

Then I’d look at it, mouth agape because I am mortified, fear in my eyes at how comfortable and unbothered it is while explaining its profession. It seems unbothered, no form of remours in its eyes. I cant speak, i mean what can I say to that.

“What’s wrong darling? You haven’t said anything in about a minute”

Then I’d reply “how could you be so menacing. That is a terrible thing to do to a person. I mean don’t you care about the aftermath of it all?”

Then it’ll look at me and laugh heartily before saying “oh baby the trauma is my parting gift. So they never forget that ungodly day. So tell me Sarah, do you wanna go somewhere private with me. Just us two, no witnesses, no one around to stop us, no one around to help. I want to show you just how well I do my job. Most of all i wanna hear you scream. What do you say baby girl?”

“Wow… so rape is indeed a person. I am so thankful I got to meet you as you and not as someone else, because I am sure if the words you just said to me were different I’d have been lured into becoming one of your victims. So thanks but no thanks. It was nice meeting you rape but I genuinely hope we never meet again”

Then I’d bead rape farewell and be on my merri little way.

But then again that’s just wishful thinking isn’ it, because rape is almost never the person you think it is.

The word rape is not a person, it is merely a word. However it is the rapist that has the power to turn the word into an act. If rapist never existed  rape world just remain a random word for the sake of the English language, maybe even a myth or illusion.

If rapist didn’t exist, rape simply wouldn’t exist as well.

So no, rape is not a person, but rapist are. And to those rapist, I hope you know that raping someone is a terrible thing. And I pray you find your redemption.

STOP THE RAPE CULTURE.

LUCID REALITIES.

I have these Lucid dreams where I’m standing in a dark hall way, blinded by the utter bleakness and emptiness surrounding me. The darkness engulfing me like I’m part of it. I feel myself blending with it till we become one.

FEAR…

I am afraid.

I have never liked the dark, because that’s where the demons come to play. My demons.

I can’t be here. I can’t wait another second in this hollow hallway that produces unending darkness filled with deafening silence. The silence gives way for my thoughts. They become louder and more audible in the silence. I don’t want to think. I’ve never had good thoughts. My mind is a deep dark tunnel that produces sickening images filled with gory details of the unending evil I could cause not to the world but to myself. It seduces me with disturbing ideas of the peace and pleasure the evil can bring if i just succumb to it. I don’t want to succumb. But I have no will against my mind.

This single realization gives room for paranoia.

PARANOIA

intense anxious fearful feelings and thoughts. That’s how I feel right now. I am paranoid. Uneasy and uncomfortable in my own body and mind.

I need to get out of here.

LIGHT

I need light…where is the light. I search frantically in this isolated hallway surrounding me for something anything that can bring light, but I find nothing.

HOPELESS

Slowly I feel my rational mind drifting away letting the dark thoughts consume me making my efforts seem hopeless. I have lost hope.

SUCCUMBING

Giving a sigh of defeat I let my thoughts drift into the depths of my mind and allow the evil creep in. Just when I am about to be swallowed up by the darkness I see it.

The light that would set ablaze the darkness and lead me out. The light that would slice through the darkness cutting through it like the blades of a two headed sword. And just like that I am hopefully again. Concluding in my mind that I am free. I can already feel the purity of its innocence filling me and riding the evil from me.

Not wasting more time I run towards it. Running like I am being chased, irony is I was being chased by the darkness because it wouldn’t let me go without a fight. But I don’t give up because I see the light, my savior within arms reach. And when I took a closer look it was you. You were my light. My savior. I wanted to survive for you. So I ran faster putting my last drop of energy into the race.

Just then at that brief moment of hope and frustration I reached out my hand to grab yours to be led out of the dark, my hopes coming to life as I feel your fingers inches from mine. Consumed by the joy of the realization of my freedom I see your hand drop and you fade away like you had never come. My efforts wasted. My hopes lost. My zeal shattered as you took the last piece of my soul with you. Leaving me here in the darkness of my own mind. Consumed by my demons, the ones I tried to escape. Lost in this darkness I call my mind.

Realization dawns on me. Your light was too Weak to fight my darkness. You couldn’t let your soul be tainted by my impurity so you faded away to protect yourself from me. Leaving me the way you found me. LOST in this dark paradise that is now my home.

I will ravel in the glory of my numbness. This feeling of unfeelings is my only solace from the unforgiving darkness.

In my dream I dream to wake up, but I don’t because the reality of my lucid dream is that it is in fact my “LUCID REALITY”.